Author: Rachel Burr

Experiment: Growth is Messy & Falling is Learning

Posted on by Rachel Burr

If I could gift my younger self with one powerful insight it would be this: Growth is messy. I wasted so many hours, even years, believing growth was linear. I believed in some mythical straight line I needed to follow from Point A to Point B. A path on which I should never fall down or, worse yet, fall off.  I thought I had to learn the right things the right way, and I had to do it all right the first time. In short, I thought I had to be perfect. (Ugh.)

In reality, growth comes when we Experiment. When we experiment, we push outside our comfort zone, take risks, try new things, screw up (Yes we do!), fall down, get back up, and try again and again and again. Falling is learning. That is how we learn, and that is how we really grow.

Falling Is Learning

It wasn’t until my early 20s that I began to understand the importance of falling. I’d accepted an invitation to go skiing with a friend and his family in Michigan’s scenic Upper Peninsula. It was my first time on skis. After a brief lesson with an instructor, and a handful of five-year-old classmates, I successfully conquered the bunny hill, and I was ready to brave my first real ski slope.

I cautiously shuffled my way toward the chair lift. The butterflies in my stomach fluttered with excitement while the rest of me focused on not falling while just standing in line. Finally, it was my turn to brave the lift. I felt the chair whisk my butt into the air as the ground dropped from beneath my feet (taking part of my stomach along with it). The flapping of the stomach butterflies made me want to fidget with anticipation, but my fear of heights paralyzed even the tiniest movement until my skis hit solid ground. I glided off the chairlift and headed toward the slope.

I stopped just short of the peak. I surveyed the sapphire blue sky and the shimmering diamonds across the pristine powder. The view was clear as far as the eye could see. The only thing that wasn’t clear, as I peered over the hill, was whether I really wanted to ski down the slope. I hesitated, feeling that paralysis creep back into my limbs and tighten around my stomach. But there was really only one good way to get off the mountain, other than walking or being transported via ski toboggan. Given my options, skiing seemed the least humiliating. There was nowhere to go but down!

I slid toward the crest of the hill and pushed myself just far enough for gravity to reach out and pull me the rest of the way. My very brief training, as well as some fundamental survival instincts, began to kick in. First, I “snow ploughed,” forming a wedge with my skis. Then, I shifted weight ever so slightly to my back leg to help me turn.  At times, I even allowed myself to gain a little speed, but I was careful to never completely lose control.  My former classmates rocketed past me as I lumbered down the slope. Eventually, however, I made it to the bottom, and I did it without ever falling. Yay!

I was so excited, and really quite impressed with myself, when I encountered my friend’s dad at the bottom of the hill. “I made it all the way down, and I didn’t fall even once!” I gushed with a smile so broad it threatened to swallow my face.

He arched his eyebrows, nodded knowingly, and politely pulled up the corners of his mouth. “Just remember. If you’re not falling, you’re not learning,” and with that he skied away.

Take the First Steps to Growth

I have never forgotten that small but critical piece of wisdom from the slope: “If you’re not falling, you’re not learning.” It took me several years to realize how important that wisdom was for the rest of life, and not just the ski slope. Falling is learning. If you’re looking to grow, but are still a little unsure of how to start, here are a few steps to help you start experimenting and falling:

  • Check (& Recheck) Your Mindset. The biggest difference between “doing” and “experimenting” is a growth mindset. Are you expecting a perfectly straight path between Point A and Point B, or are you ready to experiment, fall, get back up, shift, pivot, and learn as you grow?
    Even with the best growth mindset, you’ll probably get frustrated, even discouraged, and periodically you’ll need to recheck and realign your mindset to keep experimenting.  When we start to push outside our comfort zone it’s natural for that little voice in our head to whisper, “What if I make a mistake?” That’s when our growth mindset can confidently respond, “Don’t worry…I will.” 
  • Where to Grow Next: Prioritize & Take Action. When you look at your vision, and the goals you want to achieve, where do you want to grow next to move you forward? Reflect on the following–
    • Identify Priorities:“Of all the actions I could take, which ones would have the biggest impact on moving me toward my goals?” or simply, “What are my priorities?”
    • Challenge Avoidance: “Which of my top priorities am I not already doing/working on?” or “What am I avoiding that would help move me forward?”

These questions put a spotlight not only on your priority action items, but where you might be hesitating to step outside your comfort zone and, therefore, holding yourself back.

  • Find that First Step. If every journey begins with a single step, then find that step. Ask, “What’s one thing I can do today that will move me in the direction I want to go?”If you’re ready to dive into growth and hurl yourself down the mountain, great! Go for it!  Alternatively, if you feel hesitant to take this first foray outside your comfort zone, then take it one step at a time. Identify a number of actions you could take, and start with the one that is the least intimidating.  You may also find a step that in itself is not scary, but will put you in situations that will require you to take bigger steps.For example, I had a client who was intimidated at the idea of speaking with the senior leadership team, but he was not hesitant to schedule meetings with them 1:1. Once the meetings were scheduled, his strengths of integrity and follow-through ensured he would not back out.Scheduling a meeting was small step for the client, pushing himself just over the peak, and then letting gravity help pull him along. Take that first step that will leverage your strengths and push (or pull) you forward.

Plan Your Bounce

We have to be prepared to fall if we want to learn, but falling only leads to learning when we choose to get back up. There will be days when we want to give in, or even give up. There will be days when we hear that little voice in our head say, “I just can’t do this anymore.” It’s okay to feel defeated. What’s not okay is to accept defeat.

When we get knocked down, we need to already have a plan to bounce back. Make a plan now for what you’ll do when you inevitably fall. Find what works for you, and be ready to take action. Here are just a few ideas to get you started:

  • Draw Strength from Your “Why.” Go back to your vision and reground in your purpose. Refocus on what you want to achieve and why it’s important to you.
  • Focus on Your Wins. It’s all too easy to focus on the gaps and all that we haven’t achieved. Take time to celebrate what you have accomplished and the progress you’ve already made to continue to motivate you forward.
  • Re-Energize. There are a number of ways to re-energize:
    • Plug Into Your Energy Source. Are you an extrovert, introvert, or ambivert (somewhere in between)? What feeds your energy? Is it spending time with people, taking time alone to gather your thoughts, or something else entirely? Know what energizes you and plug into your energy source to recharge when your motivation is running low.
    • Get Inspired. Who or what inspires you? What encourages you to keep going? What helps you shift your perspective and see new opportunities? Keep reminders of these people, groups, things, or ideas close at hand for when you need them the most.
    • Get Moving. Get your body moving. We all need time to rest, but movement can help us recharge our brain, whether that’s running, swimming, or even just taking a brisk walk. It’s like when our car battery dies. If we can get the car moving, even a little, we can often generate enough energy to restart the engine. The same can be true for our mind-body connection. So, get your body moving, and restart your engine!
  • Reach Out for Support. Who are your “go-to” people when you need support? Let them know you’ll be calling, and let them how they can help you before you even need them. –Help them help you.If at all possible, avoid “the cave.” Don’t pull too far in before you reach out. When I’m really in a funk, sometimes I pull so far into myself it feels like I might never find my way out. When it comes to helping others, I’m great! I’m a world class “head spelunker,” helping others navigate the caverns of their mind, but I can’t always navigate out of my own cave alone.When it comes to feeling stuck, it helps to have a partner or a guide, someone we trust to really listen, be objective, and help us talk things through. You can turn to a trusted friend, a mentor, a coach, etc.; and you may have more than one go-to person depending on the issue you’re facing. Who is on your own personal “Board of Directors,” or who are key members of your “Community,” “Council,” or “Tribe”? Use the term that resonates with you. The point is to engage your people. Ask for help.

Experiment and Make Our Own Path

Bottom line: Falling is learning. Authentic growth is messy. The clean, linear path from Point A to Point B is a myth. We Experiment. Sometimes we succeed, and other times we fall, we learn, and we keep going. That’s how we make our own path. That’s life, and that is how we grow.

Build Your Vision: The Fundamental Building Blocks

Posted on by Rachel Burr

You’ve committed to making a change. Great! Now what? The next step is to Set Your Vision & Make a Plan. You might be thinking, “Didn’t I need to set my vision before I made my commitment?” Excellent question! The answer is, “No,” and a little, “Yes,” but mostly, “No.” When we first commit to change or growth we may only have an idea of what we want to be different, but if we’re going to set a course, we need clarify the vision for where we’re heading, and then build a plan to get there. What are the building blocks?

We are the architects of our own life, either by design or by default. If you’re already 100% clear about your vision for the future, great!  But what if we’re not clear? What if we know something needs to change in our business, our career, our relationships, etc., but we’re not sure what that change should look like, or even how to figure it out? Then what?

Question Your Blueprint

We’ve worked to build the life we have today. Let’s call it the “house” in which we live. Is it perfect? Probably not, but it’s home. Parts of the floorplan were intentionally designed and built to exact specifications. Others may have been a bit more improvised. We have now come to a point where we need to make a change in our life: We’ve outgrown the house. Letting go can be scary, and moving is a giant pain. So, our first instinct may be to stay put, and try to make our current blueprint work. If we’re only making small modifications, that might be fine. What if the changes we want, however, require far more radical renovations? Then, sticking with our old blueprint could leave us feeling utterly stuck.  At least that’s how I felt when it happened to me.

Early in my career I wanted to be a clinical psychologist, inspired to dig deep beneath the surface of human behavior and explore what really makes us tick. I’d envisioned getting my PhD since my first year of undergrad. I was driven, I was focused, and my path ahead was crystal clear, or so I thought.

Starting graduate school thrilled me. I loved to learn, and I was surrounded by friends and colleagues who were curious and motivated about the very things that motivated me. After the first two years, I started to seriously plan for my post-PhD life, and I began to examine specific career options more carefully. That’s when my enthusiasm began to wane. Something just didn’t feel right. I struggled to create a vision for my career that really excited me. I was passionate about working with people to unleash their potential, but my research focused on diagnosing and treating severe dysfunction. I appreciated the need for good data and information, but running in-depth statistical studies did not excite me. One time, after spending days and days on data entry and analyses, I thought to myself, “I really hate this,” but instead of seeing it as a red flag, I shrugged it off, “Well, I hope I eventually learn to like it!” and just kept going.

Did I quit the program? Did I change my course of study?  Nope!  I “couldn’t,” or so I told myself. I’d already invested too much of my time, too much of my life into this goal. Becoming a clinical psychologist was not just my future career, it was my identity. It was all I had ever really wanted to be. Unwilling to let go of my vision and my plan, I dismissed each of these fundamental flaws in my blueprint as only a minor glitch in the overall design. In short, I was in complete denial. (Freud would have been so pleased.)

Back to the Drawing Board

Rather than confront the colossal task of redesigning my life, I figured if I could just make a few minor modifications, then surely I could still use my same blueprint to build a successful future. My first step was to explore my options. So, I scheduled an appointment with the campus career center. I took a battery of interest inventories and other assessments to determine my best opportunities. The results came back crystal clear. Of all the possible career paths represented, I was best suited to be (drumroll please) …a psychologist. Ta-da! (Sigh)

Next, I considered building an addition onto my metaphorical house. I looked into adding either an MBA or a Minor in Statistics to my PhD. (Based on my earlier comment about statistics, you can see how desperate and deeply in denial I really was.) I explored the requirements to build each of these additions, including skills, materials, labor, etc., and the possible benefits for my future. I talked to other students, sought counsel from faculty, and even took extra classes. For a while, I was able to suppress that little “this doesn’t feel right” voice in my head.  Over time, however, the voice grew louder and became more insistent. The harder I tried to “make this work,” the more unworkable it really felt.

When Your Foundation Starts to Crack

The need for change may first appear as a small, subtle crack in our awareness, a polite whisper in our ear: Maybe, just maybe, you should consider doing something different. We may overlook, misinterpret, or even ignore theses early signs; but over time, the urgency and pressure to make a change tends to escalate. At that point, the need for change may feel more like a strong pull or push in a particular direction, like getting blown off balance by a vigorous wind.

Still, denial is a potent defense mechanism. When we consider  everything we’d need to do to make a change, and all that we might lose in the process, we often continue to resist, and stick to our current plan.

Ultimately, however, the pressure builds. Tiny cracks in the surface rupture into deep gaping fissures. Unwilling to be denied, the need for change transforms from a subtle whisper or a noticeable push into something that feels more like a blow to the head with a solid oak two-by-four.

After numerous whispers, a few less-than-subtle pushes, and more than one two-by-four cracked across my skull (figuratively speaking), I finally came to grips with my reality: I could not build something new that would truly work for my life using my existing “clinical psychologist” blueprint. It was not an issue with the graduate program. It was not a problem with the general career path, and it was not a lack of effort on my part trying to make it all work. It was that this particular blueprint was not right for me.

Your Fundamental Building Blocks

Finally, clear about what I didn’t want, I let go of the old blueprint, and I left the graduate program. The problem was, I still had no vision for what I did want for my future. I no longer felt stuck. I just felt lost.

It may sound counterintuitive, but to create a new vision for our future, it can be helpful to reflect on what we’ve built in the past. Not to replicate it, but to break it down into its fundamental building blocks: our values, strengths, and interests. These building blocks materials are core to who we are, and we’ve used them for a reason.

Once we identify our core building blocks materials, we can use them to build something new. We may choose to build a different type of house, or this time we might decide to build a bridge. Who knows! We may even build a castle. Yes, additional skills and materials may be required, but when we break things down to our fundamental building blocks, we can better assess our starting point. It wasn’t until I really looked at my values, strengths, and interests that I could even begin to imagine the life I might want to create.

Plan for a New Beginning

Life is growth, and growth requires change. Designing our vision and plan is dynamic. We shift, adjust, and sometimes completely rebuild along the way. There is no one perfect blueprint for us to follow, just the core of who we are, and what that means for the life we want to build.

If you’re contemplating change, maybe even a little new construction in your business, career, relationships, or life in general, here are two questions to consider: What are your fundamental building materials? How will you leverage them to build your future?

I Want to Commit to Growth, But Where Do I Start?

Posted on by Rachel Burr

Commit!

The first step on any path to growth is to Commit! The question is, “What are we really committing to?” We talk about committing to a goal, like getting a new job, losing 10 pounds, or even being inducted into the Hot Dog Eating Contest Hall of Fame. (Those last two examples may be mutually exclusive.) We eagerly envision ourselves standing atop whatever mountain we aspire to climb, glowing with pride as we look back and admire how far we’ve truly come. It’s hugely motivating. Who wouldn’t commit to that? 

Here’s the thing: We’re not really committing to the goal. We set a goal to inspire us and give us direction, but setting the goal is the easy part. What we really have to commit to is the journey, the experience along the path we must take to reach our goal. That is the true commitment, and that is the hard part. 

I don’t say this to undermine our inspiration or discourage us from our dreams. Just the opposite! Inspiration is energizing. It motivates us to take action. However, inspiration can also evaporate into the ether if we’re not prepared for the challenges ahead. Mount Everest is awe-inspiring, but if all we’re equipped with for the climb is a bottle of champagne, flipflops, and a selfie stick, we’ll never reach the summit. 

Bottoms Up!…or Rather…Glasses Down

I recently set a small goal for myself. I decided to go two months without drinking alcohol: No wine, no beer, no Scotch. (Oh my!) I did allow myself the luxury of kombucha and cold medicine, but that was it.  Some of you may think two months off from drinking is not a big deal. You may not even like alcohol. For others, this may feel like your Everest. For me, married to a Frenchman, two months of no wine was potentially grounds for divorce. Fortunately, my husband is very supportive, and he was more than happy to continue drinking without me.

Commitment is first and foremost a mindset. We each have our hills to climb, and I knew for me this hill would be a tough one. I needed to equip myself with the right gear. Some of the mindset tools I knew I would need on this journey were purpose, tenacity, and asking for help. 

Purpose 

Before I took the first step, or even put down my last drink, I needed to get clear on my purpose. Why was I doing this? Was it for my health? Sure, why not. Was it to lose weight? That would be a definite plus. But the real reason I wanted to go on this alcohol hiatus was simple: I wanted to prove to myself I could do it.  

Recently, I was beginning to imbibe just a little too often, and then drink just a little too much. I was also just a little too ready each night to pour that glass of fermented goodness and sip the stress of the day away. Drinking was evolving from a minor indulgence into a major habit, and a habit can be a slippery slope on the way to a crutch. That concerned me. So, I had my purpose.

Tenacity

Some people call it determination. Others call it perseverance. Dr. Angela Duckworth calls it Grit (a great book with a message I wish I could gift back to my adolescent self). Personally, I’ve always liked the word tenacity. Tenacity is that stubborn, relentless, Weeble-Wobble-but-you-won’t-fall-down persistence. That’s tenacity, and I want to BE tenacious! I want to BE that Weeble! Yes, I will wobble. That’s normal! I will probably even fall down. It’s all part of the journey. The trick is not to stay down. As Socrates put it, “Falling down is not a failure. Failure comes when you stay where you have fallen.”  

I’ve fallen down many times on journeys much longer than this one, and this time I still came very close to abandoning my commitment. The biggest challenge was my trip to New Orleans. “Enjoying” the French Quarter on an alcohol hiatus? What was I thinking! Walking down Bourbon Street, the tiny voice of temptation constantly buzzed in my ear, “You’ve already gone a month and a half. You’ve done enough. You deserve a day off!” That voice is so sneaky, so persistent, and it knows just the right buttons to push. How does it know us so well? 

That voice knows us so well because it is us. It’s the part of us that’s afraid of doing something different or taking a risk or possibly missing out. That voice, small or even large, will always be there in some shape or form, but we get to choose how we respond to it. This time, I chose to stay on the path. I kept putting one foot in front of the other (which is actually much easier to do without alcohol), and I found some great New Orleans’ “mocktails” to tide me over.  Temptation was constant, but I made it out of the Big Easy with my hiatus intact. I am one tenacious little Weeble!

Asking for Help

When faced with a challenge, I tend to buckle down and push through. I can get so focused that I pull deep inside myself and shut the door, keeping everything and everyone else out. Sometimes, I don’t even think about asking for help. More often than not, however, I don’t want to admit I need help, and that’s a problem.

We’re far more likely to achieve our goals if we enlist the help of others, even if that means we just tell people about our commitment to a goal. We may enlist some people as cheerleaders, and others may act as accountability partners. For example, a friend might agree to meet me at the gym at 5:00 pm, rather than at the bar for happy hour. –That is true friendship.  

We may enlist still others as part of our resistance, especially when we know we’re heading into temptation territory. For example, I would coach my husband before we walked into any of my favorite restaurants, “Do NOT let me order the wine…or the dirty martini…or the cheese plate.” (Cheese is just my gateway drug to alcohol.)  

We all need a little help from our friends, family, and sometimes even an empathetic bartender. (Thanks, Anton!)  Bottom line: When we’re faced with challenges on our journey to reach our goal, asking for help does not make us weak. It makes us human.  

Growth Awaits!

To Commit! is the first step to growth. We commit to a journey to achieve a goal. However, we do not just commit at the beginning. We commit and recommit as we continue to move forward. Anybody can start down a path: buy a gym membership, engage in a hobby, take a class, etc., but to achieve a truly challenging goal, we must commit to a challenging journey, and we must continue to recommit every step of the way.

As for me, I successfully made it through my two-month alcohol hiatus, with new habits beginning to take root. While I’ve returned to mindfully enjoying in a drink or two, I’ve also discovered I sometimes prefer the “mocktails” over their alcoholic cousins. Mocktails don’t make me sleepy the way alcohol does, leaving me far more energy for new commitments to new journeys toward my next goals.

How about you? What changes do you really want to commit to making in your life? What’s the journey on which you’re ready to embark? Pack your gear, and let’s get moving!

Ready, Set, Grow!

Posted on by Rachel Burr

Let’s Grow!
I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to focus on GROWTH!  I’m ready to be proactive about the changes I want to make in my life and my business, rather than just reactive. Yes, change is constant. If any of us is still in denial of that fact, then we have more than just our head in the sand. We need to have our head in a “growth mindset.”

Are we always going to be 100% ready for any possible change that could present itself, from new technology and new competition all the way to a meteor potentially hitting the earth? No. That’s just madness. Madness, I tell you! What we can do is continuously grow and develop to help us prepare for change, rather than ignore the signs, and hope change will just go away. –It’s a myth that ostriches bury their head in the sand to avoid what they don’t want to face. Only people do that. 

Growth Takes Time
Leaders have the herculean task of preparing teams and entire organizations for change. To do that, we must continuously challenge people to grow. Here’s the tricky part, or at least the “even trickier” part of all this: People (that’s us) don’t tend to grow and change overnight. At least not until life imitates The Matrix movie, and we can eventually upload knowledge and skills directly into our brain. (At which point, I am so learning how to fly a helicopter!)  Until then, growth mindset and development take time.

You may be thinking, “That’s great, but who has that kind of time?” How do we carve out time to prepare for tomorrow when we have too much work today? It’s a serious challenge. There’s a huge pull to react to whatever is urgently demanding our time and attention. But constant reaction is a trap. If we’re not investing in the growth mindset of our leaders, our teams, and even ourselves, then by the time change urgently demands something new, we won’t be ready; but someone else will be. At that point, having too much work and not enough time will no longer be an issue, because we will become obsolete, and there will be no more work left for those of us who fail to grow.

Growth: Nimble vs. Big
Netflix v. Blockbuster is a classic example of this reality come to life (Forbes). A small, nimble Netflix topples the strong, giant Blockbuster. A key moral to the story: Netflix did not win the battle in spite of Blockbuster’s strengths, but precisely because Blockbuster refused to let go of what had previously made it so successful.

Blockbuster leaders continued to react to new challenges by doing the same things in the same ways, assuming the world had not changed. They fortified the walls around their comfort zone. Rather than keeping them safe, it kept them trapped, and eventually they became obsolete.

None of us has a crystal ball to know exactly where the next challenge will come from or who will triumph. What is very much in our power to control is our readiness to embrace change by investing in our continuous growth and development.

Step-by-Step Growth Mindset
So, are we all onboard with the need for growth? –I’m assuming, “Yes,” or you would have stopped reading by now. The next question is, “How do we do that?” How do we inspire, challenge, and support ongoing growth?

Growth is far from a cookie cutter path, but whether we’re developing leaders or recent college grads, there are some fundamental steps to the growth process. Understanding these steps will help us tailor our growth paths and make it easier to weave development into the time we have, for ourselves and for the people we lead.

This path is one model for growth. If you prefer a different model, great! Use what works for you. The goal is not to find the perfect model, but to demystify growth, and break down the process into manageable, actionable steps to help us achieve our goals. Over the next several months, I invite you to explore your growth mindset with me, and take a closer look at each of these steps.

Mindset: Get Ready to Grow!
Before we embark on this journey, there’s something you should know. The growth path I’ve outlined is very simple, and it’s supposed to be simple. Simplicity makes a model easy to understand and use. Growth, however, is not always so straightforward. In fact, growth and change are often downright messy.

Sometimes the growth process can be confusing, frustrating, and even discouraging. Other times we may fall off the growth path completely. When this happens, there’s one very important thing to know: It’s normal. It’s all part of growth. So, when we hit the messy bits, rather than thinking, “Oh no! I must be doing something wrong. I should stop,” we can say, “Oh! So, this is what the messy part feels like…Good to know! Let’s keep going.”

So, what do you say? Are you ready to explore growth? Then, let’s do this!

Because Right Then…Change Showed Up

Posted on by Rachel Burr

I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted. There’s so much daily change to digest, I can’t begin to take it all in. I have days where all I want to do is just shut down. By shut down, I mean watch silly cat/dog videos and mindlessly binge-watch reruns of ridiculous sitcoms or feel-good movies, because at least I know for sure how those will end.

Change is like water. It’s a fundamental element of life, but when we’re engulfed by a tidal wave of crisis, it can feel like we just might drown in it.

My plan for spring had been to kick off an uplifting new blog series focused on change and growth. That was before we were hit with a global pandemic. It feels like a variation of the line from Forrest Gump, just at the point when the storm hits: It’s funny I said that about change, because right then…change showed up.

We all handle change and crisis a little bit differently, but in our best moments as human beings, I am deeply impressed by how we can marshal our energy and resources to respond to a clear, tangible threat. We want to be part of a solution, and we take action.

One thing every one of us can do in our current situation is to ask ourselves, “What will I choose to take from all of this?” and “How will I choose to apply that to my life?”

We have huge opportunities to learn and grow from this experience. Today, however, if you choose to focus more on getting through, rather than growth, I get that too. Let me know if you need some binge-watching recommendations: Amazon, Netflix, Hulu, etc. You name it, I’ve got it!

While I would love to dive headfirst right now into the subject of growth, it’s probably a better topic for another time and another blog post. In the meantime, stay as safe and healthy as possible through the current crisis. As my grandfather loved to say, “This too shall pass,” and when it does, I’ll be waiting.

Need Help Unpacking Your Head?

Posted on by Rachel Burr

We are our own best authority on what we want, what we value, and how we should make decisions. So why do we often feel so stuck? One thought: Objectivity (or lack thereof).

It is very difficult (Scratch that.) It is virtually impossible to be completely objective about ourselves. We are inside our own head 24-7, and we each have a very clear ‘me-shaped’ lens through which we see the world. As a result, when we get stuck on a problem or a decision, we can go around the same well-worn mental path over and over again until we exhaust the old ways of looking at an issue. That’s when we may need a little help to unpack our head.

A Brilliant Closet in Disarray

Our head is like a big, brilliant, beautiful closet. The type we see on star-studded reality shows with everything in it we could possibly need or want for a myriad of occasions. Now, imagine that closet packed to the rafters, floor to ceiling, filled with stuff, our stuff. This overstuffed closet is our mind when we feel stuck on a problem or a difficult decision. We wade into the clutter, slogging through piles of clothes, shoes, books, and boxes filled with random memorabilia to scrounge for what we need: Answers. They must be here, these answers we seek. Everything we need is here, but how do we begin to sort through and make sense of it all to find them?

When confronted with this kind of mental chaos, we may be tempted to just close the door, walk away, and mutter the vague promise of “I’ll deal with it later.” Alternatively, we might get so overwhelmed between options that something just snaps, and we randomly start throwing things out, making decisions just to make decisions. Not the best decisions, or even good decisions, but at least we’re taking action; and action means we’re no longer stuck, right? Not necessarily. While action for action’s sake can get things moving, surface actions only distract us from the deeper, ongoing stuckness beneath.

To get unstuck, we need to unpack, but the question remains: How? If, as Albert Einstein said, “We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them,” then we need to interject a new way of thinking to find a solution. It may help to engage a partner.

Find a Skilled Thought Partner

When we get stuck, rather than just asking for advice, we should ask for what we really need: a Thought Partner. A thought partner acts as a coach, head-unpacking consultant, and sometimes even chief navigator for our own mental spelunking exhibition. It’s our head and our journey, but unpacking it can be very challenging to do alone.

Great Thought Partners Do 4 Things:

  1. Bring Detached Engagement. A thought partner comes to the head-unpacking process highly focused and invested in our success, but unattached to our specific objectives, or even to his/her specific insights and recommendations. Rather than offer advice for an off-the-rack solution, a thought partner offers alternative lenses through which we can examine our challenges and opportunities. This detachment creates greater objectivity and, as a result, helps us achieve clarity about what we really want.
  2. Challenge Our Thinking. Great thought partners challenge our thinking and our assumptions, encouraging us to step outside our comfort zone. Thought partners ask great questions, offer observations, and share insights. They help us move beyond our well-worn mental paths to explore the possibility of new solutions, tailor-made to fit who we are today and where we want to go.
  3. Create Space for Us to Explore. Great thought partners create the space for us to explore with curiosity and without a rush to judgement. They help us examine the unique and wonderful combination of things stored in our head: our knowledge, skills, experiences, interests, values, goals, and (most importantly) the answers we seek.
  4. Connect with Us. If we invite someone to help us unpack our innermost thoughts and core pieces of who we are, it is essential we feel an authentic connection to that person. There may be no clear-cut criteria to assess this connection or ascertain its origins, but that sense of connection should elicit a deep feeling of trust and understanding. If the connection doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

Custom-Fit, Not Off-the-Rack

We may be lucky enough to already have someone in our life who can be a thought partner. However, the people closest to us are often not the most objective in the head-unpacking space. They may rush to try to “fix” our problem; or give off-the-rack advice, rather than help us identify tailor-made solutions that really fit. They also may get too attached to their suggestions and get annoyed if we don’t take their guidance, even when it really doesn’t suit our taste.

Ultimately, we may want to consider hiring a professional coach, head-unpacking consultant, or mental Sherpa to bring objectivity and insight to our unpacking process. In the end, a skilled thought partner will help us move forward down a more custom path tailored to achieve our goals.

Here are some self-reflective questions to get you started in the unpacking process:

  1. What’s the decision I need to make, and what has me feeling stuck?
  2. What part of the change/decision am I not sure about or makes me uncomfortable? How might this discomfort be contributing to the stuckness?
  3. Who can be an effective thought partner for me? – or – Who can help me find a skilled thought partner?

Whose Bed Is This Anyway? From Greece to Goldilocks (Part 1 of 2)

Posted on by Rachel Burr

A Modern Greek Tragedy

Once upon a time in ancient Greece, there was a demigod named Procrustes, diabolical son of Poseidon, who tortured unwitting travelers seeking refuge. Procrustes would generously offer each traveler a bed for the night. A bed that was guaranteed to fit. What the traveler failed to realize (probably buried in the fine print) was that he or she would be made to fit the bed, to conform, and not the other way around. If the traveler were too tall, Procrustes would hack off his legs. Too short? The traveler would be stretched on the rack to conform to the space. However, here’s the real dirty little secret of the Procrustean game: No one ever fit the bed exactly.

Procrustes’ bed is truly a Grimm-worthy fable to be sure, but is it really a myth?  Procrustes was the stuff of legend, but every fable has a real-life moral. A “Procrustean bed” has come to represent arbitrary standards to which we are forced to conform. In today’s world, those may be arbitrary standards for a job, a group, or even a relationship. Many (if not most) of us can probably think of a time we made ourselves small or stretched ourselves too thin, either to please other people or just to fit in. However, when we conform in ways that are not authentic to who we are (our strengths, our values, and our principles), little by little we chip away at our core.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Here’s the bigger, bolder question: How much of the standards we perceive to be “required” are truly forced, and how much are a bed of our own making?  We can conform to what we think it means to be a good leader, parent, spouse, partner, or friend; but is someone else really forcing us to adhere to these arbitrary standards, or do we choose to conform because we fear the possible consequences?

Do we–

  • Accept a promotion into a role we don’t want because we feel we can’t say, “No”?
  • Participate in events we actively dislike to avoid negative judgments by people around us?
  • Avoid conflict with a spouse, friend, or colleague because we fear damaging or even losing the relationship?

What would happen if we chose to get out of the proverbial bed and show up more fully as our authentic selves, rather than changing ourselves to fit a mold we think is required?

Whose Bed Is This Anyway? From Greece to Goldilocks (Part 2 of 2)

Posted on by Rachel Burr

Now that we recognize the Procrustean bed for what it really is, what can we do about it? If we’re honest with ourselves, there are some organizations, groups, and even relationships where adherence to arbitrary standards may actually be expected in order to belong. Here are some factors to consider:

  • Do those arbitrary standards naturally align with our strengths and values? –If yes, that can work.
  • Can we positively change those arbitrary standards and want to try? –If so, that’s great!

On the other hand, if the answer is, “No,” to both these “Ifs,” then maybe it’s time to wake up and pull ourselves out of the Procrustean bed. What will it take for us to stop the self-torture of trying to make ourselves fit?

Tap Your Inner Goldilocks

I would like to offer a page from a different bed-related fable: Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Goldilocks had the right idea where beds were concerned. –Even if her judgement concerning bears was a bit questionable. Rather than making herself fit arbitrarily into a bed, Goldilocks judged each bed on how well it fit her needs to find the perfect fit. One bed was too hard. The next bed was too soft. That was fine. She just kept looking. Goldilocks was clear about her criteria for what “just right” looked like, and we can be too.

That being said, “just right” is not the same as a “perfect fit.”  Nothing is a perfect fit, and searching for perfection is another form of self-torture. So, rather than considering our decisions in terms of Yes/No absolutes, we can prioritize our criteria by what’s most important to us:

  • Must haves
  • Want to have if possible
  • Not crucial, but definitely a great cherry on top

Our strengths, values, and goals are an excellent guide to help us get clear on what we really need and want in our lives. With this clarity we’ll be in a better position to identify the trade-offs we’re willing to make to find our “just right” fit. For example, Goldilocks might be willing to accept a slightly softer-than-ideal bed if it comes with a stunning view of the forest and ample security against indignant bears. In the same way, we might be willing to take a job that pays less money, but provides opportunities to learn and grow in ways that help us invest in our future.

They Lived Empowered Ever After

Ultimately, Goldilocks made choosing look easy. For those of us not living in a fairy tale, it can be difficult to recognize when we’re in a misfit bed of our own making. It can also take real courage to get out of that bed and step more fully into our authentic selves. Nevertheless, the moral of this story is an empowering truth: Once we recognize our role in creating our own reality, it is precisely because we have made the bed that we can choose not to lie in it.

Each of us can take a quick pulse in our own lives to see if/where we might be forcing ourselves into a not-right fit, and where instead we may want to choose something more in line with who we truly are and want we really want:

  1. Where in my life am I making myself small or stretching myself too thin to conform to what I think is expected? What is the impact?
  2. What does my “just right” experience look like in this situation, and what’s important to me about that?
  3. What’s one thing I can do today to step more fully into my whole, authentic self?