My grandparents’ fishing cabin was not much to look at. It had a few small rooms, a “one-fanny” kitchen, and it sat on the bank of a muddy river filled knee-deep with silt. My grandfather bought it as a place to get away from the world (and, at times, away from my grandmother).
A little east of the cabin was an old shed. In its prime, the shed had been a “boat house,” but by that time my grandfather just used it for storage. I remember opening the door of that shed and immediately being struck by the stench of mildew and catfish bait. (Ugh!) As kids, we’d hold our breath, run into the shed, grab a fishing pole or canoe paddle or whatever we needed, and run out as fast as we could.
Eventually, my grandfather decided the shed had outlived its usefulness and potential. Plus, it blocked the downstream view of his river. So, one cloudy summer day my grandfather, my uncle and my cousins began the work of tearing down the shed. They ripped off the warped wooden siding around the exterior, and they took apart the shed until only the open framing and roof remained.
That’s when it started to rain. So, they took a break. My grandfather went into the cabin and brought out some drinks. Everyone grabbed a lawn chair or a stool, and they all sat under the roof of the old shed, waiting for the rain to pass.
They talked, they relaxed, and they watched the river roll by. Just then, a gentle breeze blew through the bones of what used to be the shed. “This is really nice,” someone smiled. My grandfather looked out over the river and nodded. It really was. In that moment, the “old shed” was gone, and a “gazebo” was born.
The gazebo became a fixture of life at the cabin. We ate there, we drank there, we laughed there, we even cried there. Now, I can’t remember the cabin without thinking of the gazebo, and how grateful I am that it rained that day.
We never really know the potential of what lies inside, whether it’s the potential in an old boat shed or deep within ourselves, but often we need to let go of what “is” or what “has been” to discover what’s truly possible.
How do we navigate a path that doesn’t exist? At least, doesn’t exist yet. We know how to follow a well-worn route. In school, we had specific course requirements, and within each course there was a neatly outlined syllabus: read these books, do these assignments, take these exams, and become an engineer, accountant, physician, dentist, etc. Once we’ve chosen a career, there are additional paths to pursue, corporate ladders to climb, and footsteps in which to follow. These paths are not easy, but at least they’re clearly marked. That’s the first building block to your path.
Some people seem to have always known what they wanted to do in life. They found their path early, and they stuck with it. Others, like myself (and I’m assuming some of you) also found a path and followed it, but then ultimately just felt “stuck.” What do we do when we reach a point in our journey where the path is not clear, or there may not appear to be any path at all? Getting stuck can be painful, but it doesn’t have to be permanent.
Navigation – Our Internal Compass
When we feel stuck our first instinct is often to look outside ourselves for solutions, or at least for something better: a better job, better company, better relationship, etc. We may expend a lot of energy throwing the proverbial spaghetti against a wall to find anything that will “unstick” us. However, there’s a more strategic and tailored approach. There may not be an obvious path, but we have an internal compass to help us navigate the way forward.
Last month, we talked about breaking things down into our fundamental building blocks of what’s most important to us: our values, strengths, interests, and motivations (see Best, Worst, & Better exercise). We can use this core information as a compass to guide us toward options that are better suited to us, and then use it as criteria to evaluate and decide between those options. Getting clear on what’s important to us first is a good way to start getting unstuck.
For example, I’ve been feeling “stuck” for a couple weeks on writing this blog post. –Don’t you just love irony? On the other hand, maybe this is a just-in-time opportunity: How do I get unstuck? (I’m as anxious to find out as you are.)
Create a “Good Enough” Vision We can start by asking, “What does success look like?” In my example of writing this blog post, my first (and snarkiest) response would be, “a Pulitzer” (Special Citations & Awards category). Now that I’ve set the bar so high that I can’t even begin to see a path forward, let’s readjust.
A vision for success doesn’t have to be “perfect.” In fact, it won’t be. So, we need to let that go. Letting go of perfection doesn’t mean aiming for mediocrity. It just means releasing our creativity from overly rigid expectations to explore and experiment. Our vision just has to be “good enough” to get us moving in a specific direction. So, let’s try this again:
Reflection Question: “What does success look like?” My Response: “A clear, practical (hopefully somewhat humorous ) blog post about how to find an authentic way forward when there is not a well-defined path.” –Good enough!
Play with Our Building Blocks Going back to our building block exercise (above), what are a few of the blocks we want to play with in building our path? Not EVERY building block, but just two or three. We already have a lot going on, and trying to juggle even more information on top of that can become unmanageable. So instead, we cut through the noise and prioritize. Ask, “Which building block do I want to play with first?”
My three go-to building blocks with these posts are usually the following:
My interest in making them humorous, even if I’m the only one who thinks they’re funny.
My value of transparency and my strength in using my own experience, struggles, and learning as fodder for thought.
My motivation to offer practical tips to help people take action.
Your building blocks may be entirely different. In fact, my building blocks may be entirely different in a different situation. For example, humor may (or may not) be appreciated in a blog post, but I find it’s rarely appreciated by international immigration and customs agents while I fumble to find my passport.
We can use the previous “Best, Worst, & Better” exercise to identify some of our initial building blocks, or if we already know our building blocks, then we can just ask ourselves:
Where am I stuck?
What’s at least one thing I will do differently today to get unstuck?
What will help me be accountable? (e.g., Who can I tell? or What support do I need?)
Basically, we need to find a place to start to explore and experiment that is aligned with who we are and what’s important to us:
Self-Reflection Question: “What are a few blocks I want to play with first?” My Response: “Humor, transparency, and practical tips.”
Get Moving We only get “unstuck” when we’re willing to take action. I’m on version eight or nine of this blog post, not counting a few major detours and rewrites. But that’s okay. Exploring and experimenting is part of the “unsticking” process. We have to start somewhere.
This may sound like we’re back to throwing spaghetti against a wall, but there is one big difference. This time, we started by identifying the fundamental building blocks of what’s most important to us, and then intentionally using those blocks to start building our path forward. We’re not randomly trying anything and everything, grasping at the first alternative that comes our way. That’s not building a path. That’s just stumbling around in the dark, and it often leads to more stuckness. Instead, we’re building from the core of who we are and what we want to achieve. As a result, whatever building block we use to create whatever path we build will be more authentic and, therefore, much more likely to lead us to what we really want. We often won’t get it right the first time, but when we lead from our core, even the detours are meaningful. We need every single building block.
Once we know the direction we want to go, getting started can still be difficult. It’s simple physics, really. Newton’s first law of motion states—
“An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.”
My practical interpretation of Newton’s law is this: It’s hard to get started, but if we get off our ass and get moving, we’ll be more likely to keep moving.
Action Item: Get off ass and get moving. My response: Wrote >8 versions of blog post + drank 14 grande lattes + ate 3 petite vanilla scones. – You tap creativity your way, and I’ll tap it mine.
Detours & Exit Ramps
The “road not yet built” is not linear. Detours are not only some of the most interesting parts of the journey, but they can yield very useful outcomes. For example, one of my many detours in this blog-writing process led me to my topic for next month’s post.
Beyond the detours, we also have to recognize when we need to step back, let go, and build an exit ramp from our current path. Knowing the right time to exit from the road we’ve planned (even if not yet built) is more art than science, and not something anyone else can easily tell us.
We often know it’s time to exit our current path long before we’re ready to accept it. This is especially true when we’re highly invested in a particular part of our journey or a specific destination. I found it hard to change direction even on this little blog post. Think how much more challenging it is for us to build an exit ramp from a career, a relationship, or something else that’s been intricately woven into the fabric of our lives but no longer serves us.
When we consider building an exit ramp, we may look back on the long stretch of road we’ve already built and worry all our hard work will be lost and our time wasted. I see it differently. All our travels shape our journey and inform who we become. At times, we may be on a road because it’s a direct path to our ultimate destination. Other times, it’s specifically because we traveled that stretch of road that we finally realized we needed to reorient our path toward a new destination.
Always Under Construction
We build our road as we go. There is no perfect path, and there will always be tradeoffs to the routes we choose. When we tap our internal compass to navigate uncharted terrain, we leverage our core building materials to create an authentic path. If we’re lucky, we’ll encounter detours that are both scenic and productive, and we’ll recognize the signs when it’s time to exit a stretch of road to better serve our overall journey. Our life is always under construction, and we are the only ones who can build the road forward.
“Where do I even start?” Have you ever uttered those words when you thought about changing roles, shifting your career, or even just escaping the job you currently have? I know I have. My client, Jane (not her real name), felt frustrated and exhausted, like so many clients before her. She knew she wasn’t happy in her current role, but she also didn’t know what else she might do or how she would figure it out. How do you build your path?
“There are things about this job I really enjoy,” Jane said. “I believe in the products, and I love working with my team. The people are wonderful.” Jane had interviewed with other companies in the area, but they all had their issues. “Any job or company is going to have drawbacks,” she rationalized. “How do I know any of them would be any better?”
“So, you’re going to stick with ‘the devil you know,’” I said. It was a statement more than a question.
“I guess so,” she conceded. “Plus, the money is really good.”
“They wouldn’t call them golden handcuffs if it was easy to walk away,” I smiled.
I would say I was surprised by the number of people with whom I have had this conversation, if I hadn’t also had this conversation with myself too many times to count. How is it possible that so many of us are this frustrated or unhappy about our jobs, especially when we spend so much of our lives at work?
Tailor the Job to Fit You (Not the Other Way Around)
Maybe being unhappy at work is just the reality we’ve come to expect. As humans, we adapt to our environments. The process is called “habituation.” The word sounds ominous, but it really means that we just stop noticing or even expecting something different when we experience the same thing over and over and over again. (Come to think of it, that sounds more depressing than ominous.) In some situations, adapting is a good thing. For example, when we’re in a noisy office environment (even if now that’s mostly our “home office”), we learn to tune out a lot of the repetitive ambient noise to concentrate on our work. But what happens when we just continue to adapt to a situation or environment that really isn’t a good fit? Why don’t more of us take the leap to get out of jobs or environments that aren’t working for us?
One of the biggest problems is we’re going about the process all wrong. We start looking at the macro level of the situation and work from the outside in. We look at the companies and the job postings, and we try to determine our fit with what we see available. Then, we tailor ourselves (e.g., talents, skills, and experiences) to fit what we think the employers want. But before we start rearranging our resume and LinkedIn profile to look like the “perfect candidate” for 100 different roles, how do we know what we want and what would be a great fit for who we are?1
We need to take a different approach and start at the micro level and focus on the inside first. We need to start by understanding our fundamental building blocks: values, strengths, interests, and motivations. Once we have better insight and understanding into who we are, what we’re good at, and what’s important to us, then you can use that information to build your path forward. Rather than the job becoming “the goal,” the job becomes the next step as part of our individual journey.
Start with What You Know
Sounds great, but (again), “Where do I even start?” How do we figure out our building blocks? There are great assessments to help us identify our strengths, weaknesses, values, etc. Whether we’re looking at our leadership style, individual strengths, or even how we operate as a team, I have used a number of tools with my clients based on their specific objectives. But even before we look at more formal assessments, take some time to really stop, reflect, and debrief, and focus first on what you already know about yourself. Try this exercise I call, “Best, Worst, & Better.”
Best, Worst, & Better
Take time to reflect on the following, and write down your answers:
Step 1 – Break Down Your Best: Think of at least 2-3 times when you felt the most engaged, energized, and excited about work you were doing. Maybe you were at your job, or maybe you were working in another area of your life (e.g., working around the house, coaching your kids’ game, engaging in a hobby, etc.). In each of these situations start to dig down into the building blocks of what made the experience so great. Ask yourself questions like the following:
What did I love most about what I was doing, and why?
What was important to me about what I was doing?
What strengths, skills, and talents did I use in the process?
What interested or motivated me most about what I was doing?
What was most satisfying to me about the work, the process, and/or the results?
Step 2 – Break Down Your Worst: Now think of at least 2-3 times when you felt the most miserable, disengaged, and/or deflated about work you were doing. Again, break it down into the individual building blocks of what made it such a negative experience. Ask yourself questions to look at the opposite of how you looked at your “Best” moments:
What did I hate most about what I was doing, and why?
What stood out as the most negative part of this experience?
How did this work tap into my weaknesses (rather than my strengths)?
What was most boring, frustrating, and/or discouraging to me about this work?
Step 3- Break Down Your Better: Finally, take a look at your “Worst” list and now flip it 180 degrees by asking, “What would have made this better?”
For example, let’s say you love working with numbers and solving problems from the ground up, but you were given a project with limited information. As a result, you struggled to understand the objectives, and how the different parts of the project fit together to create a solution. If you ask yourself, “What would have made this better?”, you might come up with things like, “Having a clear high-level view of the problem, understanding how my work fit into the broader context, knowing the different stakeholders who were involved, and clearly understanding the objectives we needed to achieve.”
The question, “What would have made this better?” may unearth some of the same factors that contributed to your “Best” situations, but it also may unearth new and important pieces that didn’t show up the first time around.
Step 4 – Find Your Themes. Once you’ve written out your answers, take a step back and start to look for themes:
When are you at your best?
What’s most important to you?
What are things you won’t tolerate?
Maybe you find you’re at your best when you’re working with people, or maybe you prefer to work with numbers. Maybe you find you don’t like to work in isolation, or maybe you’re highly intolerant of too many interruptions. Maybe you prefer being strategic, hands-on, or some combination of the two. There are no right or wrong answers. There’s just you: who you are, what’s important to you, and what you really want.
Step 5 – Pile Up Your Building Blocks. Finally, create two columns on a document or a spreadsheet. The header of the first column is, “What I want.” The header of the second column is, “What I don’t want.” Congratulations! You’ve begun to identify your building blocks to build your path forward.
This is not the end. In fact, it’s just the beginning, but you have answered the first very important question: “Where do I even start?” You start here. You start with what you know. You start with You.
I felt the cold brick on my back as I stood paralyzed against the wall clutching my notebook. The amphitheater classroom below swarmed with students climbing over chairs, and even each other, to vie for the few remaining seats. Refusing to enter the fray, I was absorbed into the overflow along the periphery. My eyes darted back to the door. A growing mass of sardine-packed bodies blocked my escape.
Tha-thump, tha-thump rang in my ears as my heart prepared to run. I so wanted to run. “Please don’t pass out,” I whispered between slow, measured breaths. A booming voice echoed from the floor below, and the room went quiet. “I am Professor [tha-thump], welcome to [tha-thump] 101. Over the next several months we will [tha-thump, tha-thump] and then we will explore [tha-thump] and of course [tha-thump].”
The next thing I remember was being carried along by the flood of bodies pouring out the door at the end of class. Once released, my still pounding heart raced my legs across campus headed toward home.
“I can’t do this,” I said with conviction into the telephone. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m going to drop the class and take a lower-level course for the requirement.”
“Why?” asked my friend. He knew my fears, flaws, and weaknesses better than anyone. He also saw my strengths when I refused to even look for them.
“Because I will FAIL!” I cried. “That class is filled with 300 people who are all MAJORING in this stuff. What possible chance do I have!”
I Won’t. So, I Can’t.
Have you ever been convinced there was something you couldn’t do even though you had never even tried to do it? Maybe someone told you that you weren’t capable, or a person you respected had failed to accomplish this goal. So, you thought, “Well, then I’m clearly doomed to fail.” Alternatively, someone you deeply admired may have succeeded brilliantly at this very thing. Therefore, you concluded that achieving this feat required god-like talent you did not possess. Our brain can find all kinds of ways to twist and distort our perceptions to conform our reality into what we already believe to be true: “I can’t do this.” So, we avoid trying whatever it is because we’re afraid we’ll not only prove ourselves right, but also publicly expose our incompetence in the process.
I had successfully (and quite skillfully, I might add) circumvented this particular fear for years. Years! I was a master deflector. When anyone would ask, “Why aren’t you doing this?” I would shrug my shoulders and sigh, “I just don’t have time,” “I’m just not that interested,” or “It’s just not that important to me.” On the surface, these excuses sounded reasonable. They had to sound reasonable if people were going to believe them, if *I* was going to believe them. But really, these rationalizations were a carefully constructed wall built with bricks of solid logic to prevent exposing the imposter within. (That would be “me.”)
Then, my friend said something I will never forget: “If you quit now, you’ll always believe you couldn’t do it.” Something clicked, like a tiny camera shutter inside my brain, exposing a new truth. I could see he was right, but more than that, something had shifted in me. I could no longer see the situation the same way I had just a fraction of a second before, though only my perception had changed. The fear was still strong, but, I reluctantly had to admit, the path forward was clear.
What Will You Confront?
What is the fear(s) you’re not confronting? We all have something. Some of you know immediately what it is. You can rattle that fear right off the top of your head. Others may be less sure. You may need to give it some thought. Then there will undoubtedly be some people who read this and say, “Nope! Not me. I confront every last one of my fears head-on every day.” If you’re in that group, then this post is probably not for you. That could be for a couple of reasons:
1. First, the wall used to contain your fear may be so thick and so high you’re not ready to acknowledge its existence. You probably run into the wall every once in a while, but like my Roomba® you quickly turn around and just keep on going. Maybe you’re not ready to take down the wall, or even chip away at it. That is your choice. Motivation is key to us making real change in our lives. Change is hard work, and sometimes it’s really scary. We tend to resist what is scary. So, if we aren’t motivated to do the work to change, then reading some post by a stranger will be useless at taking down that wall.
2. The second reason you may have no walls is that you are part of a far more advanced species than the human race. In which case, “Welcome to our planet!” But don’t waste your time digging into all this messy “human stuff.” Instead, I recommend doing some sightseeing while you’re here. Visit the Grand Canyon or the Great Wall of China. Maybe swing by the Eiffel Tower if the lines aren’t too long.
If you’re still reading (all you messy human types), then a good place to start for all of us is to first figure out what we’re really avoiding. When we’re pushing ourselves to grow, and we feel like something is stopping us, most of the time it’s fear. Learning to confront our fears does not typically happen overnight (or by the end of a single blog post), but we can begin by recognizing our resistance.
Acknowledge Fear
The first step in overcoming our fear is to acknowledge it and bring it into the light. Be prepared, this can be a lot of work. Fear thrives when covered in darkness and buried in denial. Here are a few questions to help you start the digging process:
What is something I want in my life?(Something I don’t currently have) – This could be a job, a business, a relationship, a specific accomplishment, etc. Another way to think about this is to ask, “If I could snap my fingers and change anything about my life today, what would it be?”
What’s getting in my way?– This could be a lack of knowing how to do something, or a skill we need to develop. This could be a belief that we can’t do something. It could be the time or effort it would take to achieve a goal. Maybe it’s the fear of stepping outside our comfort zone and looking foolish. (I can definitely relate to that one.) Alternatively, it might be a real barrier. For example, if I decide tomorrow I want to be a professional basketball player, my age, complete lack of coordination, and my inability to jump high enough to sit on a counter, let alone dunk a basketball, would be a considerable barrier to achieving this goal. Capture everything you believe is getting in your way.
Note: If you come up with a long list of how other people need to change so you can build the life you want, then you’re bumping up against that wall, and it’s time to take out your pickaxe. You can’t change other people, but you can use the pickaxe to either chip away at the wall or start to climb it. Your choice.
What am I really afraid of? – Look at the hurdles you’ve listed. For each one, ask yourself, “What is one action I could take to overcome this hurdle?” Write down the action. The minute you identify each of these actions, that little voice in your head (you know the one) may jump in with, “Yeah, but…” and then give you a litany of reasons why it can’t be done. It might say something like, “I don’t know how,” “I don’t have time,” “I don’t have the money,” or “It’s a lot of work/I don’t want to do that part.” Rather than taking what that voice tells you at face value, stop, and explore a little bit. Ask yourself, “What am I afraid will happen if I take this action?”
Sometimes we balk at the word “afraid” or “fear” because “fear” seems too strong. We may not want to admit we’re afraid because we feel too vulnerable, or maybe we feel the word “fear” should be reserved for the really big, scary things in life (e.g., fear for our life or the lives of others). So, we push fear away, and say, “I’m not afraid.” Then instead ask, “What am I concerned will happen (or not happen) if I do this?” or “What am I worried about if I do that?” We can make our fears more accessible by helping our worries and concerns bubble to the surface.
What am I giving up? – Part of motivating ourselves to challenge our fear and step outside our comfort zone is recognizing the tradeoffs we will be making, but that we may not be acknowledging: “Where am I limiting myself and my life by not facing this fear/concern?” and “What am I giving up as a result?” We instinctively look for the risks when we choose to act. We also need to ask, “What am I sacrificing if I don’t take the risk?”
Step into the Possibilities
There are many real things to fear in this world, and we are wired to defend against clear, immediate risk. What is often less clear is the hidden potential in confronting those risks. I thought confronting this one fear would help me achieve a specific goal, but the door it opened was so much bigger than I could have ever imagined. Not because I continued to build on that goal, but because once I confronted my fear, I began to wonder, “What else is possible?”
Celebrate! Recognizing our wins is a key part of our growth journey. No matter how straightforward the Growth Path looks on paper (or online), growth is a messy, loopy process. We celebrate our wins to recognize our progress, and to sustain us through the loopier and messier parts of the journey, so that we keep going and keep growing. Remember to celebrate milestones!
Celebrate?
I have a confession to make. I’m terrible at celebrating my “wins.” In fact, I even struggled to write this blog post. Why? Because even though I know the importance of celebrating our accomplishments, historically when I’ve achieved a goal I’ve responded in one of three lackluster ways:
1. Who has time? “I have too much to do / too much going on.” Therefore, “I can’t possibly take time out to celebrate.” (Sound familiar?)
2. But I’m not finished! Alternatively, I may breeze right past a milestone without more than a perfunctory acknowledgement because I’m so focused on the end game. It’s more of a “Check! Done. Now let’s keep moving to the next thing I need to learn/do/accomplish to get to the ‘real’ (ultimate) goal.”
The “Who has time?” and “But I’m not finished!” mindsets may sound and feel different, but the result is the same. We spend so much time racing from one thing to the next that we don’t take time to stop and really acknowledge our accomplishments.
3. What is there to really celebrate? I have another little confession. I can be an absolute genius at diminishing my own achievements. Yup. It’s like having the worst superpower of all time: I am Minimizing Woman! Faster than a speeding bullet and able to crush myself in a single bound. Here’s how it has historically played out: I set a goal, something I really want: a promotion, a certification, developing a new skill, etc. Once I have achieved my goal, rather than thinking, “Excellent! Way to go! You got this!”, I hear that little voice in my head say, “Huh…Well, if you could do it, how hard could it really have been?” Ouch!
One of my most memorable “ouch” moments came in college, and it still stands out as one of my most poignant reminders of when I failed to celebrate a win.
Stick It
Phi Beta Kappa is a prestigious academic honor society in the US, and I really wanted “in.” I worked toward this goal throughout college. When the time came to apply, I was on pins and needles wondering if I’d be accepted. So, you can imagine I was absolutely thrilled when I finally received my acceptance letter, at least initially.
Then, things started to shift. I vaguely remember a ceremony and receiving the symbolic golden key, but by then my Groucho Marx gremlin was already in full swing. The comedian Groucho Marx once said, “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” Obviously, Groucho’s comment was meant to be funny. (That is what most comedians usually intend.) But what if one of the reasons it’s funny is because part of it just might be true.
I began to wonder, “If I could get in, how hard could it really be?” So, rather than celebrate the achievement, I began to downplay it (if not to others, at least in my own mind). Phi Beta Kappa had once been a highly motivating force in my academic life, but rather than celebrate milestones, I quickly devalued the accomplishment, and then pushed it aside until it was almost entirely forgotten. I forgot to celebrate milestones.
Now, I realize the whole Groucho process is an old trick my brain uses to push me to work harder: I set a goal, work for it, and then once I achieve it, I simply discard it and go in search of the next “ultimate goal” where I can finally prove myself (mostly to myself). Short-term, the trick worked. Therefore, Groucho was reinforced and came back time and again. Long-term, however, that little voice eroded my confidence and made me less likely to take risks.
There are so many better ways to motivate ourselves, build our confidence, push outside our comfort zone and, as a result, accomplish more than we ever thought possible. One of those ways is to Celebrate milestones!
My husband Nicolas, for example, is far better at celebrating than I am. So, I encourage you to take a page out of his playbook. Genuine and joyful, Nicolas’s personal motto for life is simple: “Every chance to celebrate is an opportunity to be taken.” I have truly learned so much from him.
While I may never completely eradicate that little Groucho Marx voice, with practice and wisdom I’ve learned to confront it, manage it, and then (quite skillfully, I think) tell it to go “stick it where the sun don’t shine.”
Celebrate to Feed & Sustain Growth
So, why should we really celebrate milestones? When we talk about celebrating milestones, it’s not just because it’s a “nice” thing that we “should” do. Celebration and recognition of our progress play a crucial role in our growth journey:
Motivate to Keep Going. First, celebrating milestones along the way reinforces the work and effort we’re investing in our goals. In some areas of life, we naturally see tangible results from our efforts. In fact, a tangible result was one of the main reasons I liked to mow the lawn as a kid. I could look back over the lawn, and very clearly see the impact I’d made by how much of the grass I’d already cut. It was immensely gratifying. Moreover, I could also see exactly how much work I had left to do, and the closer I got to the end, the more I was inspired to push toward that finish line.
Progress in our careers and many other areas of our lives is often far less tangible than a neatly trimmed lawn. Slogging uphill with no end in sight, or even distance markers to track how far we’ve come, can be demoralizing. When we celebrate our milestones, we make our progress more tangible, and that motivates us to keep going.
Fight Change Fatigue. Change fatigue is a “nice” way of talking about the stress, burnout, and passive resignation people experience as a result of continuous change. Especially when those changes feel unfocused, overwhelming, and show no clear signs of really improving the work and lives of the people impacted. We tend to crave at least a modicum of stability in our lives, but in a world of constant change we often struggle to find it. Celebrating our wins encourages us to stop, if even for a moment, look back at the progress we’ve made and recognize how far we’ve come. These moments provide an anchor in a sea of uncertainty, and the encouragement to keep going. Celebrating helps us not only recognize our progress but our ability to make choices and take actions that have real impact.
Inspire Next Steps. Celebrating what we’ve achieved is not just an opportunity to reflect back, but a time to use this celebration to inspire our next milestone: Where are we with our overall goals? Are we on track? Have our goals changed? What do we want to sustain, and where do we need to realign? Celebration is fuel that inspires us to ask, “What’s next?”
Celebrations don’t always have to be big fanfares. A celebration could also be a simple phone call or a glass of wine with a close friend who’s been there through the ups and downs along the way. We may celebrate by going out to dinner with someone who supports us and can help us appreciate our accomplishments. If you’re leading a team, you could celebrate with a team lunch. Whether you celebrate together at a restaurant or with take-out in a conference room (or even over Zoom!), what really matters is what you say and what you do to make it meaningful. So that your team feels recognized for their contribution to the achievement.
Now that I’m getting better at celebrating my “wins,” I may take myself out for coffee for time to reflect and appreciate, or my husband may take me out for dinner. After all, he is a pro at celebrating. Alternatively, I might buy something more permanent, a token that is meaningful to me. That way every time I look at it, I’m reminded of what I achieved. It’s not so much “what” we do to celebrate, it’s about taking the time to acknowledge our progress and accomplishments.
Keep Growing!
When we celebrate, we have the opportunity to acknowledge all that we have accomplished on our growth journey so far, and use that celebration as a springboard to keep growing. We achieve a lot more in the process of pursuing a goal than simply accomplishing an objective. Celebrating is an acknowledgement of the entire process we go through along our Growth Path. We:
Commit to something that is truly important to us.
Set a Vision and Make a Plan. Then we flex with the plan as we encounter obstacles and opportunities, and we trust our vision will get clearer as we get closer to our goal.
Experiment, get messy, and learn to Manage Resistance (other people’s and especially our own).
Reflect & Debrief, determine what may need to change, and what we need to hold onto.
Apply & Adapt what we’ve learned as we continue to push forward.
We have so much to Celebrate on our Growth Path. It’s important to acknowledge all that we have done, and how far we have truly come. We can then continue to build on all that we’ve created. Isaac Newton said, “If I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants.” Yes, AND sometimes those giant shoulders on which we stand are our own. We not only build on the work and success of others who have come before us, but on who we have been, and all that we have already accomplished. So, Celebrate Milestones, Sustain, and Keep Growing! Your future self will thank you.
I love to learn. In fact, sometimes I love to learn just for the sake of learning: everything from history, language, and art to random TV trivia, mixing a new cocktail, and playing the banjo. (Yes, I’m serious.)
The real power of learning, however, is in the alchemy of taking knowledge and skills and transforming them into growth. To do that we must apply & adapt: Apply what we learn, and Adapt our thoughts and behavior. Transform learning and growth
The Knowledge-Action Gap
Too often we think about learning only as the accumulation of knowledge, rather than knowledge in action. I worked with a leader years ago who was highly invested in helping people learn, but she wasn’t focused on how people applied that learning to grow themselves or the business. She focused only on the definition of the word learn: “to gain knowledge or understanding of or skill in by study, instruction, or experience” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary). But learning is impotent without application. We must put knowledge into action to create impact. If we only accumulate or, worse yet, horde our knowledge and hide our talents, then we deprive ourselves and those around us of the potential for growth and advancement.
Parlez-vous Français?
I am all too familiar with falling into the knowledge-action gap. I began studying French shortly after I married my husband, Nicolas. Most of my in-laws, or ma belle famille, live in France and do not speak English. So, if I wanted to communicate directly with them, I needed to learn French.1
I took classes at the French Alliance (L’Alliance Francaise), I studied with Rosetta Stone, and my husband bought subscriptions to bien-dire and France-Amérique, magazines geared to the French-English bilingual community. Learning another language as an adult can be an intimidating challenge, but eventually I felt I was making real progress. Then, we traveled to France.
Immediately immersed in the language, I felt nervous but excited to plunge into conversation with my in-laws, or at least dip my toe into the discussions. To say I was unprepared for the stream of conversation that gushed toward me would be an understatement. My in-laws were excited to see us, and eager to catch up with everything happening in our lives. The dynamic flow of discussion switched from one topic to the next, often losing the anchor of any context that might help me understand what the heck we were talking about. At times, I struggled to even pick out individual words, let alone understand and respond to a direct question. As a result, immersion quickly turned into overwhelm. I pulled back, and looked to my husband as my translation conduit to help stem the flow for the rest of our trip.
I returned home discouraged, but I continued to study. My French improved, but only incrementally. It wasn’t until several years later (yes, years) when I changed my approach to learning that my ability to speak French really improved. Here are just a few of the ways I adapted my approach (which can be applied to learning anything, not just French):
Make Learning a Habit. I’m not a naturally structured person. I love spontaneity and variability. So, the idea of consistency and habit initially felt rigid and restrictive. Then, I read a little book called “Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones”2 and it radically shifted my mindset. I began to see habit more as a framework, like guardrails on my learning highway. This consistent framework meant I no longer had to spend precious time and mental energy making decisions about when and where I would study. Habit allowed me to delegate those decisions to my brain’s autopilot. I got up every weekday morning, and spent the first 30 minutes (and eventually an hour) studying French. After a couple weeks of building the habit, my body naturally carried me to the kitchen table each morning and, after my first cup of coffee, my brain soon followed. Once at the table, I was free to focus my mental energy on the creativity of learning, and the beauty and excitement of the drive between the guardrails. Ironically, this habit was surprisingly liberating.
Mix It Up. I love to learn, but I get bored quickly. One of the ways I’ve always combatted that boredom was by creating a learning buffet. I’d study a little of one subject, then switch to a different subject. When I was younger, I even switched from studying English to practicing piano and then moving to math, etc. Unbeknownst to me, there was a method to my madness. The authors of “Make It Stick: The Science of Successful Learning”3 report that interleaving, or mixing together, different subjects or skills actually helps the “stickiness” of our learning. Applying that to learning French, I might first study verbs. Then, I would switch to listening to an online French news program. It’s all still French, but it’s completely shifting the learning modality from reading to listening. Periodically I’d even throw in a bit of Spanish, and force my brain to distinguish between the two languages. While it might be easier and faster to study one subject in a single block of time, in the long run we learn better when we mix our approach to learning and challenge our brains to work harder. Our progress may feel slower in the moment, but what we learn will stick with us better in the long run.
Quiz Yourself. I once had a professor who did not give quizzes or exams. When I asked, “Why?” He said (erroneously) that quizzes don’t help us learn. Boy, was he wrong! We get caught up in the idea of quizzes or exams being a “test” of our knowledge that we either pass or fail, but quizzes and testing are actually a form of practice. Without practice, we forget most of what we learn. Working to retrieve information helps to interrupt the forgetting process and make our learning stick. Repeated retrieval with spaced gaps of time between practice sessions makes our brains work even harder and, therefore, makes our learning even stickier.
Apply Your Learning. Take learning outside the safety of a classroom (or a kitchen table), and apply it in real-world situations, especially the parts you find most challenging. The most difficult part of learning a language for me is understanding people when they speak (oral comprehension). Alternatively, most people find speaking the language (oral production) the most difficult, but I’m actually better at speaking French than understanding it. (I know. It’s weird, but the results of my French language exam back me up.) So, I jumped headfirst into my resistance. I started listening to online French programs, initiated conversations in French with bilingual friends, and forced my husband to speak with me in French, rather than letting him default to English. (It was almost as though he didn’t want me talking with his family.) The experience was not always pretty. In fact, often it was really frustrating, and sometimes downright exhausting. But these experiences challenged my brain to apply my learning in different contexts. As a result, I had to adapt to conversations in the moment, strengthening my learning and making it stick. I really started to improve, and eventually I found it much easier to keep my head above water in the flow of conversation with my in-laws.
Loop Your Learning Path
Growth is not a linear path (no matter how straightforward a growth model may look). Transform learning and information into real growth is less a consistent sequence, and more an iterative, ongoing loop: We learn, Experiment with our learning, Reflect & Debrief on that experiment, and then we Apply & Adapt to Experiment again implementing these new adaptations. We do this again and again. Each one of us can immediately tap our potential for growth when we start to make a habit of engaging in this learning loop:
Identify Your Learning Target. What’s one thing you want to learn? It could be personal, professional, or somewhere in between.
Clarify Your Inspiration. What excites you about learning that? Why are you interested in it? This “why” will help you stay motivated.
Build a Learning Habit. Begin to make learning this topic or skill a habit, even if it’s just 10 minutes a day.
Take A Step. What is one thing (just one) you’ll do today to start learning? (It could be as simple as watching a YouTube video, phoning a contact, or doing some research online.)
Get Messy. Give yourself permission to dive in, experiment, get messy, and have fun applying what you learn.
Reflect & Debrief. What went well in the experiment? What didn’t? What have you learned as a result?
Apply & Adapt. What will you do differently in your next experiment? What are the thoughts and behaviors you want to adapt to improve your next round of learning?
Repeat. (The “Lather” and “Rinse” are optional.)
Put Knowledge into Action
The steps to build a learning habit are clear and simple. Growth, however, is more challenging and also beautifully messy. A good deal of that mess comes when we translate knowledge into action. As adults, we often hesitate to practice newfound knowledge and skills in real life situations because we’re afraid to make mistakes and look foolish (like plunging into the deep end of a language barrier with my in-laws). However, putting knowledge into action is a critical piece of how we learn and, therefore, how we grow. When we let our resistance stop us from putting knowledge into action, we limit our growth. As a result, the potential of all that we could have accomplished and all that we might have become are left untapped and lost forever.
Give Yourself Permission
I’m still not fluent in French. I continue to learn and grow, but my in-laws seem to understand most of what I say, and they still seem to like me. (Even when I make mistakes, like saying, “I’m hot,” meaning “I feel warm,” but instead I’ve unknowingly just propositioned one of Nicolas’ elderly uncles). When someone asks, “Do you speak French?” I respond, “a little” (un petit peu). My husband will argue that’s an understatement. While that may be true, my intention is not to be humble or “under promise and over deliver.” Our biggest barrier to growth is our own mindset and our own hesitation to put learning into action. When I say un petit peu, it is more a signal to me to set aside my adult ego, and give myself un petit peu permission to dive in, experiment, have fun, and get messy.
Now is a great time to Reflect & Debrief the journey so far. It may feel counterintuitive to hit the pause button when we’ve got all this momentum going. In fact, pausing may feel like a great big STOP sign on our Growth Path. Things are moving and changing so quickly. How can we possibly take the time to stop? But the reality is…We can’t afford not to stop.
Getting Off A Moving Bus
Have you ever gotten on a bus (or a train or subway) and become lost in thought only to realize too late you missed your stop? It’s irritating, maybe a little disorienting, and a huge waste of time. And that’s just when it’s mass transit. What if we’re talking about your life?
Some of the leaders and other professionals I’ve worked with are thrilled with the careers they’ve built. Others, however, have just kept following a path but never really stopped to assess if the road they were on was right for them, or if it was even leading somewhere they really wanted to go. By the time they stopped to look around, they realized they’d stayed on the path too long, maybe taken a wrong turn, or missed a critical exit ramp. In short, they forgot to “get off the bus.” When this happens, we may not only feel a little lost but very, very stuck.
That was me. I was on the path to my PhD in clinical psychology, but instead of going right to graduate school, I told myself I was going to stop, take time to really reflect, and then “decide” if that was the path I wanted to pursue. Sounds great, doesn’t it? So wise at such a young age. …Not exactly. The problem was this: During all that time, I didn’t really allow myself to explore other possibilities or even look at what options I might want to consider. Instead, I checked the box of “take time off,” and then I went on to graduate school, just as I’d (always) intended.
Why did I do it? Why did I bother to take that time if I wasn’t going to use it? I didn’t know it then, but I was in the throes of resistance. Taking the time to reflect was absolutely the right thing to do, but I was completely unwilling to look at what else I might want, because I was too afraid to get off the only path I’d ever really known. I saw, heard, and felt the red flags; and yet I chose to ignore them.
Three years into the PhD program, when I finally allowed myself to see I did in fact want something different (even if I didn’t know what that was), I felt stuck. I didn’t know how to “get off the bus,” and I struggled to find the help I needed. The other people on the bus couldn’t really advise or counsel me for one of two reasons. Either they were on the path that was right for them (i.e., they were on the right bus), or, like me, they were on the wrong path, but they didn’t know how to get off the bus any more than I did.
If I had periodically taken the time to stop and honestly reflect & debrief throughout my journey, it would have been much easier to make small course corrections to my route along the way. Maybe I could have taken a different bus, a train, or even a Boeing 747 across the Atlantic. Who knows!
By the time I finally realized I needed to get off the bus, it wasn’t that easy. I couldn’t just disembark at the next stop. We were speeding down the road, and the bus wasn’t stopping for any of us. So, if I really wanted off, I was going to have to pry open the door, take a giant leap into the unknown, and trust I’d land on my feet.
Reflect & Debrief: How We Use the Time
It’s not enough to just take time. It’s what we do with the time we take. Taking the time to really stop, reflect & debrief can be challenging, especially when we’re moving fast and picking up momentum. Here are a few key steps to support you in the process:
Carve Out Chunks of Uninterrupted Time
Give Yourself Structure & Space
Enlist a Thought Partner
Carve Out Chunks of Uninterrupted Time
Carve out chunks of time in your calendar to deeply reflect on your vision for where you’re going and the progress you’ve made. People often talk about “finding the time” as though time is out there just waiting to be discovered, or, worse yet, as if finding time were a stroke of “luck.” It’s not, and we won’t just “find” time. We need to carve out time, and then fiercely protect it.
Moreover, it takes time to “go deep.” Reflection and debriefing are work that require time and attention. What we prioritize gets done. If we don’t prioritize the time to reflect & debrief we will stay trapped in the cycle of “doing,” without knowing whether what we’re doing is really taking us in the right direction.
Create Structure and Give Yourself Space
A balance of structure and space to reflect & debrief are critical.
Structure: The structure can be relatively simple. The work itself is more difficult. Here are a few key questions on which to reflect & debrief your growth journey help you reflect back, look forward, and take action:
Reflect Back
What went well? (Affirm what’s working: Purposefully do more of that.)
What didn’t go well? (Adjust what isn’t working: Stop and/or change it.)
What would have made it even better? (Look for opportunities to improve and move closer toward your goals.)
Look Forward
How does all of this inform my overall vision (i.e., the outcome I want to achieve)?
What (if anything) has shifted or changed?
Take Action
What have I learned?
What will I do differently going forward?
Space: Giving ourselves space in between the chunks of time spent in focused attention allows our brains to continue to chew on ideas in the background as we go about our day. Have you ever had a brilliant insight when you were doing a mindless task, such as taking a bath? “Eureka!”
I’ll leave it up to the psychologists and neuroscience experts to explain why giving ourselves this kind space “works.” What’s important for the rest of us to know is this: When we give our brains time and space between focused sessions of reflection and debriefing, we often come back with fresh perspectives and important new insights. As a result, we make better decisions and take more effective actions moving forward. Sounds like a worthwhile stop along the Growth Path to me.
Enlist a Thought Partner
When we get stuck, sometimes we need advice. More often, however, what we really need is a good “thought partner.” A thought partner acts as a coach, sounding board, and head-unpacking consultant (to reference another previous blog post). Good thought partners help us sort through questions and ideas, listen to what we’re saying at different levels, and ask powerful questions. Thought partners challenge our assumptions, provide insights, and stimulate creative problem-solving so that we can look at things more objectively and get out of our own way.
It’s your head, your growth journey, and most of the answers are already inside of you. A good thought partner will work with you to unpack and process what’s inside so that you can make more effective decisions and take more productive actions.
Keep On Navigating
I did eventually “get off the bus,” but that is another story for another blog post. What’s important to know now is this: when we take time to honestly reflect & debrief during our growth journey we have the opportunity to assess how far we’ve come, what’s working, and what’s not. Based on what we find, we either stay the course or adjust. Either way, we’ll proceed with purpose and clarity that we’re on the right bus headed in the right direction.
One of my most vivid attacks of resistance struck as I was about to leave for college. Moving away to school was going to be a huge adventure for me. I grew up in a small Midwest town where everyone knew everyone. College was my chance to finally strike out, start fresh, and embark on a life-altering journey of self-discovery. (I was young and clearly very idealistic.)
I’d packed the last of my boxes and hauled them to the car. Looking around my half-empty room, I felt an unexpected tug of nostalgia as phantoms of memory appeared to pay their respects. I saw images of friends strewn across the beige pile carpeting, lounging in the armchair, and lying on the bed. Maybe we were listening to music or talking, or maybe we weren’t doing much of anything at all. Next, I looked at the big wooden desk in the corner where I sat surrounded by open textbooks and papers, feverishly cramming for exams. Then, I heard the echo of my mother’s voice, and turned to see her faded image in the doorway, arms thrown up in exasperation, complaining about the clothes scattered across the floor. Finally, I caught a glimpse of myself dramatically crossing the room, script in hand, practicing my lines and unleashing my character for an upcoming performance in the high school musical.
The memories evaporated, leaving me alone in a deserted room. Empty hangers lined the closet, and childhood mementos sat abandoned on the shelves. For the first time, the reality of what the change meant began to fully sink in. I was leaving my family, my friends, my school, my town. I was even leaving the pizza place where we’d hung out every Friday night since junior high. I wasn’t just stepping outside my comfort zone; I was letting go of everything I’d ever known. That’s when the cute fuzzy ball of nervous anticipation unexpectedly morphed into a monster panic attack, and resistance reared its ugly head.
Growth requires change. (Period.) What we may not realize is that change in turn requires transition. Specifically, I needed to transition psychologically from what was to what will be as a result of the change. As an inexperienced teenager (who thought she was a grown-up) striking out on an adventure, the letting go of what was and allowing the what will be suddenly seemed overwhelming.
“Fail at what?” my father asked. He stared at me as I sat cross-legged, hugging my knees, wrapped into a little ball on my bed. His eyebrow arched as his mouth pulled back into a smile of baffled amusement. “Classes haven’t even started yet. What are you going to fail?”
“EVERYTHING!” I wailed. “I just know I’m going to FAIL COLLEGE!”
My father was not one for drama, or any strong emotion really. He was a man who liked tangible facts.
“Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior,” he counseled. “You’ve always done well in school. Why do you think you would fail now?”
“I don’t know,” I cried inconsolably, “I just will!”
What happened next is something I will never forget. My father didn’t argue, nor did he try to convince me what I was feeling was illogical. He just stood there with his brow furrowed as though deep in thought. He nodded his head silently and pulled down the corners of his mouth to punctuate a conclusion.
“Okay,” he sighed. “If that’s the way you feel, then you don’t have to go to college. Instead, you can stay here with your mother and I, live in your room here in the basement, and get a job flipping burgers at Hardee’s.”
I was dumbstruck. The words not only rang in my ears but reverberated in my soul. With a few careful brushstrokes, my father had painted a vivid picture of my alternative future. The thought of the uncertain will be was clearly a better alternative to the will be of eternally living in my parent’s basement. Silence hung in the air between us, and I glared at him in reluctant resignation.
“Fine, I’ll go,” I sighed. A smirk crept across my face despite my best efforts. I knew what he was doing, and I knew he was right.
“Okay,” my father nodded, as though yielding to my decision. “We’ll leave tomorrow morning at 7:00.” He walked out of the room, and closed the door behind him.
Transition is where the real resistance shows up. How we engage and manage resistance during our growth journey will not only impact our ability to navigate the transition, but will determine how successful we are in making a change.
Leadership & Proactively Engaging Resistance
If only all resistance could be managed as easily as offering a teenager the alternative to live with her parents for the rest of her life. The world would be a much simpler place. What my father understood was that I was going through a transition, and resistance is a normal part of transition even when the change is something we want. My father gave me what I needed to help me take the first step to work through my resistance. You can do the same thing for the people you lead. Here are a few key factors to help proactively engage and manage resistance:
Recognize and Understand Resistance
Dig Beneath the Surface of Resistance
Work Through Resistance
Recognize and Understand Resistance
Resistance is data. To understand what resistance is telling us we first have to recognize it:
How is resistance showing up? – People have a wide range of reactions to change. Early signs of resistance are easy to overlook or misinterpret. People may demonstrate anxiety. They overreact, or even underreact, in different situations. People may repeatedly ask the same questions, or appear confused and distracted. Alternatively, other signs of resistance are clear: “I’m not changing, and you can’t make me.”
Where or with whom is resistance showing up? – Is resistance showing up more in some functions and less in others? What about across business units or regions? Do you see a difference in how resistance is showing up under different leaders?
Once we recognize resistance, we can start to understand it: How are people responding, what are the patterns, and what is this information telling us?
Too often we want to simply ignore, suppress, or push through resistance hoping it will just go away. If anything, it usually grows. If resistance does seem to suddenly disappear, often it has just gone underground, festering beneath the surface and ready to immerge when we least expect it. By recognizing and seeking to understand resistance, we can more productively work through it.
Dig Beneath the Surface of Resistance
Why does change cause resistance? The short answer is, “It doesn’t.” According to renowned transition expert, William Bridges, PhD, the root of our resistance is not in the change itself, but in the fear of losing what we have as a result of the change1.
A fear of loss may focus on income or a job. We may fear losing a loved one, or losing our health due to a physical illness, etc. Alternatively, a loss can be far less tangible. It could be the loss of authority or a sense of mastery when stepping outside our comfort zone. It could be a loss of community or part of our identity. Losses that are less tangible are just as powerful, and they can be even more challenging because they’re more difficult to identify. Moreover, what may be a small loss to one person may be an enormous loss to someone else and vice versa. We don’t know how people will respond to change until we understand what they fear they may lose, and how important they perceive the loss to be.
Work Through Resistance
Whether we’re leading change or experiencing it for ourselves, it’s important to go into the change process with the right mindset about transition and what it takes for managing resistance. Working through resistance is not a one-time event, and it’s not a linear path. People may move forward through transition and then start to resist and even backslide. Maybe new fears show up in a new stage of the change process. Maybe people have let go of denial, and reality of the change has finally kicked in. We have to prepare for inevitable resistance and be ready to work with people to manage through it.
Working through resistance can be challenging. Here are just a few practical steps to help us on the journey:
Plan for Resistance – We cannot predict all the ways resistance may show up, but understanding the details of the specific changes required can help us anticipate who may be impacted and how. For example, a company plans a reorg, and one team will be combined with another team under a different leader. It’s a safe bet as people transition to the new reality of working together there will be resistance, not just from the group coming into the team but from the existing team as well.
Overcommunicate – People leading change are always closest to the information and decisions. As a result, it’s easy for leaders to overestimate what other people know and understand about change. Leaders tend to under-communicate the details, and stress can make it difficult for people they are leading to absorb the information. A rule of thumb is to communicate 3X times more than we think we need to communicate during change. If we do that, we might communicate just enough.
Be Present & Really Listen – We may want to push people through resistance to realize the benefits of change as quickly as possible. Rushing people through transition won’t work, and often we just make it worse. What will help is to spend time talking with people about their perceptions of the change and their experience through the transition. Ask open-ended questions, and listen with the intent to understand. Don’t argue with or try to “fix” how they feel. Resistance is data. What are we learning from what people are sharing with us?
Change How We Look at Change
Growth requires change, but we often look at change only as a series of steps or events (the “what” of change), as though we’re strategically moving pieces on a game board. This is true whether we’re executing large-scale changes at work or making individual changes in our own life. However, when change fails to produce desired results, most of the time it’s not because of a lack of strategy or because the change is not valuable. We fail to make successful changes because we don’t consider the transition people will go through as part of the change process.
If we’re truly invested in making a change, then we need to anticipate the natural transition process, and plan for managing resistance, including our own. Only when we go through the transition of letting go of what was, and fully embrace what will be, will we successfully make changes in our business and beyond.
If I could gift my younger self with one powerful insight it would be this: Growth is messy. I wasted so many hours, even years, believing growth was linear. I believed in some mythical straight line I needed to follow from Point A to Point B. A path on which I should never fall down or, worse yet, fall off. I thought I had to learn the right things the right way, and I had to do it all right the first time. In short, I thought I had to be perfect. (Ugh.)
In reality, growth comes when we Experiment. When we experiment, we push outside our comfort zone, take risks, try new things, screw up (Yes we do!), fall down, get back up, and try again and again and again. Falling is learning. That is how we learn, and that is how we really grow.
Falling Is Learning
It wasn’t until my early 20s that I began to understand the importance of falling. I’d accepted an invitation to go skiing with a friend and his family in Michigan’s scenic Upper Peninsula. It was my first time on skis. After a brief lesson with an instructor, and a handful of five-year-old classmates, I successfully conquered the bunny hill, and I was ready to brave my first real ski slope.
I cautiously shuffled my way toward the chair lift. The butterflies in my stomach fluttered with excitement while the rest of me focused on not falling while just standing in line. Finally, it was my turn to brave the lift. I felt the chair whisk my butt into the air as the ground dropped from beneath my feet (taking part of my stomach along with it). The flapping of the stomach butterflies made me want to fidget with anticipation, but my fear of heights paralyzed even the tiniest movement until my skis hit solid ground. I glided off the chairlift and headed toward the slope.
I stopped just short of the peak. I surveyed the sapphire blue sky and the shimmering diamonds across the pristine powder. The view was clear as far as the eye could see. The only thing that wasn’t clear, as I peered over the hill, was whether I really wanted to ski down the slope. I hesitated, feeling that paralysis creep back into my limbs and tighten around my stomach. But there was really only one good way to get off the mountain, other than walking or being transported via ski toboggan. Given my options, skiing seemed the least humiliating. There was nowhere to go but down!
I slid toward the crest of the hill and pushed myself just far enough for gravity to reach out and pull me the rest of the way. My very brief training, as well as some fundamental survival instincts, began to kick in. First, I “snow ploughed,” forming a wedge with my skis. Then, I shifted weight ever so slightly to my back leg to help me turn. At times, I even allowed myself to gain a little speed, but I was careful to never completely lose control. My former classmates rocketed past me as I lumbered down the slope. Eventually, however, I made it to the bottom, and I did it without ever falling. Yay!
I was so excited, and really quite impressed with myself, when I encountered my friend’s dad at the bottom of the hill. “I made it all the way down, and I didn’t fall even once!” I gushed with a smile so broad it threatened to swallow my face.
He arched his eyebrows, nodded knowingly, and politely pulled up the corners of his mouth. “Just remember. If you’re not falling, you’re not learning,” and with that he skied away.
Take the First Steps to Growth
I have never forgotten that small but critical piece of wisdom from the slope: “If you’re not falling, you’re not learning.” It took me several years to realize how important that wisdom was for the rest of life, and not just the ski slope. Falling is learning. If you’re looking to grow, but are still a little unsure of how to start, here are a few steps to help you start experimenting and falling:
Check (& Recheck) Your Mindset. The biggest difference between “doing” and “experimenting” is a growth mindset. Are you expecting a perfectly straight path between Point A and Point B, or are you ready to experiment, fall, get back up, shift, pivot, and learn as you grow? Even with the best growth mindset, you’ll probably get frustrated, even discouraged, and periodically you’ll need to recheck and realign your mindset to keep experimenting. When we start to push outside our comfort zone it’s natural for that little voice in our head to whisper, “What if I make a mistake?” That’s when our growth mindset can confidently respond, “Don’t worry…I will.”
Where to Grow Next: Prioritize & Take Action. When you look at your vision, and the goals you want to achieve, where do you want to grow next to move you forward? Reflect on the following–
Identify Priorities:“Of all the actions I could take, which ones would have the biggest impact on moving me toward my goals?” or simply, “What are my priorities?”
Challenge Avoidance:“Which of my top priorities am I not already doing/working on?” or “What am I avoiding that would help move me forward?”
These questions put a spotlight not only on your priority action items, but where you might be hesitating to step outside your comfort zone and, therefore, holding yourself back.
Find that First Step. If every journey begins with a single step, then find that step. Ask, “What’s one thing I can do today that will move me in the direction I want to go?”If you’re ready to dive into growth and hurl yourself down the mountain, great! Go for it! Alternatively, if you feel hesitant to take this first foray outside your comfort zone, then take it one step at a time. Identify a number of actions you could take, and start with the one that is the least intimidating. You may also find a step that in itself is not scary, but will put you in situations that will require you to take bigger steps.For example, I had a client who was intimidated at the idea of speaking with the senior leadership team, but he was not hesitant to schedule meetings with them 1:1. Once the meetings were scheduled, his strengths of integrity and follow-through ensured he would not back out.Scheduling a meeting was small step for the client, pushing himself just over the peak, and then letting gravity help pull him along. Take that first step that will leverage your strengths and push (or pull) you forward.
Plan Your Bounce
We have to be prepared to fall if we want to learn, but falling only leads to learning when we choose to get back up. There will be days when we want to give in, or even give up. There will be days when we hear that little voice in our head say, “I just can’t do this anymore.” It’s okay to feel defeated. What’s not okay is to accept defeat.
When we get knocked down, we need to already have a plan to bounce back. Make a plan now for what you’ll do when you inevitably fall. Find what works for you, and be ready to take action. Here are just a few ideas to get you started:
Draw Strength from Your “Why.” Go back to your vision and reground in your purpose. Refocus on what you want to achieve and why it’s important to you.
Focus on Your Wins. It’s all too easy to focus on the gaps and all that we haven’t achieved. Take time to celebrate what you have accomplished and the progress you’ve already made to continue to motivate you forward.
Re-Energize. There are a number of ways to re-energize:
Plug Into Your Energy Source. Are you an extrovert, introvert, or ambivert (somewhere in between)? What feeds your energy? Is it spending time with people, taking time alone to gather your thoughts, or something else entirely? Know what energizes you and plug into your energy source to recharge when your motivation is running low.
Get Inspired. Who or what inspires you? What encourages you to keep going? What helps you shift your perspective and see new opportunities? Keep reminders of these people, groups, things, or ideas close at hand for when you need them the most.
Get Moving. Get your body moving. We all need time to rest, but movement can help us recharge our brain, whether that’s running, swimming, or even just taking a brisk walk. It’s like when our car battery dies. If we can get the car moving, even a little, we can often generate enough energy to restart the engine. The same can be true for our mind-body connection. So, get your body moving, and restart your engine!
Reach Out for Support. Who are your “go-to” people when you need support? Let them know you’ll be calling, and let them how they can help you before you even need them. –Help them help you.If at all possible, avoid “the cave.” Don’t pull too far in before you reach out. When I’m really in a funk, sometimes I pull so far into myself it feels like I might never find my way out. When it comes to helping others, I’m great! I’m a world class “head spelunker,” helping others navigate the caverns of their mind, but I can’t always navigate out of my own cave alone.When it comes to feeling stuck, it helps to have a partner or a guide, someone we trust to really listen, be objective, and help us talk things through. You can turn to a trusted friend, a mentor, a coach, etc.; and you may have more than one go-to person depending on the issue you’re facing. Who is on your own personal “Board of Directors,” or who are key members of your “Community,” “Council,” or “Tribe”? Use the term that resonates with you. The point is to engage your people. Ask for help.
Experiment and Make Our Own Path
Bottom line: Falling is learning. Authentic growth is messy. The clean, linear path from Point A to Point B is a myth. We Experiment. Sometimes we succeed, and other times we fall, we learn, and we keep going. That’s how we make our own path. That’s life, and that is how we grow.
You’ve committed to making a change. Great! Now what? The next step is to Set Your Vision & Make a Plan. You might be thinking, “Didn’t I need to set my vision before I made my commitment?” Excellent question! The answer is, “No,” and a little, “Yes,” but mostly, “No.” When we first commit to change or growth we may only have an idea of what we want to be different, but if we’re going to set a course, we need clarify the vision for where we’re heading, and then build a plan to get there. What are the building blocks?
We are the architects of our own life, either by design or by default. If you’re already 100% clear about your vision for the future, great! But what if we’re not clear? What if we know something needs to change in our business, our career, our relationships, etc., but we’re not sure what that change should look like, or even how to figure it out? Then what?
Question Your Blueprint
We’ve worked to build the life we have today. Let’s call it the “house” in which we live. Is it perfect? Probably not, but it’s home. Parts of the floorplan were intentionally designed and built to exact specifications. Others may have been a bit more improvised. We have now come to a point where we need to make a change in our life: We’ve outgrown the house. Letting go can be scary, and moving is a giant pain. So, our first instinct may be to stay put, and try to make our current blueprint work. If we’re only making small modifications, that might be fine. What if the changes we want, however, require far more radical renovations? Then, sticking with our old blueprint could leave us feeling utterly stuck. At least that’s how I felt when it happened to me.
Early in my career I wanted to be a clinical psychologist, inspired to dig deep beneath the surface of human behavior and explore what really makes us tick. I’d envisioned getting my PhD since my first year of undergrad. I was driven, I was focused, and my path ahead was crystal clear, or so I thought.
Starting graduate school thrilled me. I loved to learn, and I was surrounded by friends and colleagues who were curious and motivated about the very things that motivated me. After the first two years, I started to seriously plan for my post-PhD life, and I began to examine specific career options more carefully. That’s when my enthusiasm began to wane. Something just didn’t feel right. I struggled to create a vision for my career that really excited me. I was passionate about working with people to unleash their potential, but my research focused on diagnosing and treating severe dysfunction. I appreciated the need for good data and information, but running in-depth statistical studies did not excite me. One time, after spending days and days on data entry and analyses, I thought to myself, “I really hate this,” but instead of seeing it as a red flag, I shrugged it off, “Well, I hope I eventually learn to like it!” and just kept going.
Did I quit the program? Did I change my course of study? Nope! I “couldn’t,” or so I told myself. I’d already invested too much of my time, too much of my life into this goal. Becoming a clinical psychologist was not just my future career, it was my identity. It was all I had ever really wanted to be. Unwilling to let go of my vision and my plan, I dismissed each of these fundamental flaws in my blueprint as only a minor glitch in the overall design. In short, I was in complete denial. (Freud would have been so pleased.)
Back to the Drawing Board
Rather than confront the colossal task of redesigning my life, I figured if I could just make a few minor modifications, then surely I could still use my same blueprint to build a successful future. My first step was to explore my options. So, I scheduled an appointment with the campus career center. I took a battery of interest inventories and other assessments to determine my best opportunities. The results came back crystal clear. Of all the possible career paths represented, I was best suited to be (drumroll please) …a psychologist. Ta-da! (Sigh)
Next, I considered building an addition onto my metaphorical house. I looked into adding either an MBA or a Minor in Statistics to my PhD. (Based on my earlier comment about statistics, you can see how desperate and deeply in denial I really was.) I explored the requirements to build each of these additions, including skills, materials, labor, etc., and the possible benefits for my future. I talked to other students, sought counsel from faculty, and even took extra classes. For a while, I was able to suppress that little “this doesn’t feel right” voice in my head. Over time, however, the voice grew louder and became more insistent. The harder I tried to “make this work,” the more unworkable it really felt.
When Your Foundation Starts to Crack
The need for change may first appear as a small, subtle crack in our awareness, a polite whisper in our ear: Maybe, just maybe, you should consider doing something different. We may overlook, misinterpret, or even ignore theses early signs; but over time, the urgency and pressure to make a change tends to escalate. At that point, the need for change may feel more like a strong pull or push in a particular direction, like getting blown off balance by a vigorous wind.
Still, denial is a potent defense mechanism. When we consider everything we’d need to do to make a change, and all that we might lose in the process, we often continue to resist, and stick to our current plan.
Ultimately, however, the pressure builds. Tiny cracks in the surface rupture into deep gaping fissures. Unwilling to be denied, the need for change transforms from a subtle whisper or a noticeable push into something that feels more like a blow to the head with a solid oak two-by-four.
After numerous whispers, a few less-than-subtle pushes, and more than one two-by-four cracked across my skull (figuratively speaking), I finally came to grips with my reality: I could not build something new that would truly work for my life using my existing “clinical psychologist” blueprint. It was not an issue with the graduate program. It was not a problem with the general career path, and it was not a lack of effort on my part trying to make it all work. It was that this particular blueprint was not right for me.
Your Fundamental Building Blocks
Finally, clear about what I didn’t want, I let go of the old blueprint, and I left the graduate program. The problem was, I still had no vision for what I did want for my future. I no longer felt stuck. I just felt lost.
It may sound counterintuitive, but to create a new vision for our future, it can be helpful to reflect on what we’ve built in the past. Not to replicate it, but to break it down into its fundamental building blocks: our values, strengths, and interests. These building blocks materials are core to who we are, and we’ve used them for a reason.
Once we identify our core building blocks materials, we can use them to build something new. We may choose to build a different type of house, or this time we might decide to build a bridge. Who knows! We may even build a castle. Yes, additional skills and materials may be required, but when we break things down to our fundamental building blocks, we can better assess our starting point. It wasn’t until I really looked at my values, strengths, and interests that I could even begin to imagine the life I might want to create.
Plan for a New Beginning
Life is growth, and growth requires change. Designing our vision and plan is dynamic. We shift, adjust, and sometimes completely rebuild along the way. There is no one perfect blueprint for us to follow, just the core of who we are, and what that means for the life we want to build.
If you’re contemplating change, maybe even a little new construction in your business, career, relationships, or life in general, here are two questions to consider: What are your fundamental building materials? How will you leverage them to build your future?
